


Dunder-Mifflin Dating Service

by tulipwriter



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:19:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tulipwriter/pseuds/tulipwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It clicked one day for Michael Scott: Dunder-Mifflin was a great place to meet chicks."</p><p>Michael feels lucky to have found love, and is determined to share the wealth among his fellow Dunder-Miffliinites. He sets up a speed-dating conference. It goes about as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dunder-Mifflin Dating Service

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2007, totally forgot about it until I got an email from the site that hosted it, and decided to add it here.
> 
> Hopefully some hard-core fans of the show will enjoy it!
> 
> This takes place sometime after "The Job" (season 3 finale) but before season 4.

It clicked one day for Michael Scott: Dunder-Mifflin was a great place to meet chicks. Thanks to Dunder-Mifflin he’d finally found his Catherine Zeta-Jones in the form of fired boss Jan Levinson, no Gould, who was both the worst thing that had ever happened to him and then the best thing after she took a short vacation to her plastic surgeon’s office. An inspiring tale for the ages. And now Jim and Pam appeared to have found their own success in the office dating pool, even though they had nothing in common and no chemistry together. It probably wouldn’t work out. Michael had a radar for these sorts of things. Still counted as a success, though.

In fact, Michael figured, Dunder-Mifflin probably had a better success rate than e-Harmony. That e-Harmony is a scam. Michael set up a profile with them two years ago and not one woman responded. He even snapped a picture of Ryan when he wasn’t looking and added that his profile. He could only assume women on e-Harmony were simply not as committed to loving little kids as he was. And they wouldn’t return his twenty bucks. Thirty-seven e-mail exchanges later, a demand to confront Rick Warren in person about his management style, and a threat to take action Judge Judy style, Michael decided to graciously eat the loss. Too bad there wasn’t an internet dating service out there that appealed to women eager to get married and have babies.

Michael gathered his crew, his DM posse, into the conference room. Just looking at all those happy faces staring back at him made the long, hard hours he put in as regional manager worth it. That’s what she said! Well, no... almost.

“What’s this about, Michael?” Stanley asked.

Ugh. Stanley. Not one of his harder workers. And, really, who would want to date him? He already had two kids that he knew about. Who even knows what he left behind on the ghetto. Hello, baggage.

“I’m sorry, Stanley. Am I keeping you from a sandwich?”

“You are.”

“I have a lot of work to do,” Angela said.

“Angela, what I’m doing today will help people like you the most. It’s my gift, from me to you. Now, sit back and hold tight. You can crunch numbers later.”

“What’s the gift?” Jim asked.

“That is a good question. Thank you, Jim. Two words: speed dating.”

“Speed dating?” It was more of a statement from Pam than a question.

Michael usually ran his ideas past Pam before implementing them. This was an inefficient system because Pam managed to talk him out of things 98% of the time. Like his fantastic fun idea to cover the floor with bubbles, two feet thick, and have everyone come to work wearing bathing suits. Was it too much to ask for some bubbles? They evaporate. It would have been no trouble at all, but Pam had a problem with it for some reason. Then with other ideas, she would forget to write them down in his Michael’s Ideas folder. Come to think of it, Pam wasn’t a very good assistant. She forgot to write things down a lot.

“Yes, Pam, speed dating. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s new, it’s young, and it is hip. I saw it on 60 Minutes.”

“I tried speed dating once,” Toby said. “It’s just a really fast way for women to reject you.”

“Why are you here?”

“I work here.”

“That’s pushing things, don’t you think?”

Michael knew if he didn’t get the ball rolling, stupid Toby would kill the mood and limit possibly successful Dunder-Mifflin hookups. Then e-Harmony would win. Toby would like that, wouldn’t he? God, that Toby... No! No time for that right now.

“How about all you wild bachelors sit on this side of the conference table. Wait, Kevin, I thought you were engaged.”

“Stacy wants to try out an open relationship.”

“A what? Never mind. All the unmarried spinsters, come sit on the other side of the table. Angela, just pick a seat. It doesn’t matter which seat.” Michael told himself to stay calm. Remember, you’re doing this for them, Michael. You’re doing this for them. “Each date lasts two minutes. When the timer dings, the women move to the seat on their left. It’s not complicated. Begin... now! Phyllis, why aren’t you at the table?”

“I’m married to Bob Vance.”

“Still?”

Jim and Pam stood on the sidelines, engrossed in their own conversation.

“Did you see where the one kid ate the other kid’s snot? Did you see it Pam?”

“Considering you paused, rewound, forced me to look at the television, and then rewound again, I would have to say yes.”

Ding!

“No, I do not do that on a first date,” Angela said to Kevin.

“Attention, everyone,” Michael said, “the first two minutes are up. Did any of our couples have a love connection? Anyone? No? That’s all right. Let’s switch partners and try again.”

“Didn’t your tubes just tie themselves into a knot from that show?” Jim said.

“I still want kids one day.”

“Even after Super Nanny? Well, you’re insane. And you’re wrong.”

“Well, there was one part that I have to admit was pretty scary.”

“I knew it! Spill.”

“Where the husband left all the household chores for his wife to do. Frightening.”

“This is about the towel, isn’t it?”

“What towel?”

“All I said is that if you’re going to use my shower, I’d appreciate it if you hung up the guest towel when you were done. Especially if you shower alone. I’m pickier about towel placement when you shower alone.”

“I was not taking a stab at your guest towel rule.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

Ding!

“Thank you, Dwight, but I don’t think we have a good connection.”

“Thank you, Angela, and I agree.”

Pam looked at Jim, shrugged, and took the seat across from Andy.

“Oh, Pam, no,” Jim said. “Not Andy.”

“Pam, you’re joining the speed-dating now?” Michael asked. “That kind of throws off the ratio. But, fine, we’ll somehow make it work.”

Michael didn’t understand why Pam was trying to sabotage his speed-dating exercise.

Pam shook hands with Andy, who, in return, made a replica gun with his thumb and forefinger, winked and made a click-click sound with his mouth.

“Pam-alama-ding-dong.”

Topics of conversation in the subsequent two minutes, compliments of Andrew Bernard: the lyrics to songs by The Cranberries, how to make four different knots, three different bird calls, and the rules to frolf.

Ding!

Michael tried to hide his disappointment. Michael had a special talent, and that was that he had every talent. Michael was good at pretty much everything he did. He could sing, he could definitely dance, and he was a great dresser. He was the top salesperson two years in a row. So what was up with this? No one seemed to be making a love connection. All he felt he’d gained was learning that Andy was a fascinating person. That frolf thing totally sounded like something Michael wanted to take up. He’d look it up on Google later. Google is amazing. He was really glad he discovered it.

“I think we’re done here,” Michael said.

He started to think of other words he could google, like boobs. Googling boobs started to sound like the best idea he’d had all day.

Pam raised her hand. “Wait, Michael. I think I made a love connection.”

“Great!” Michael thought about it some more. “No, you’re dating Jim. Not funny, Pam. Speed-dating is not a joke.”

Pam winked at Jim.

Another success story in the world of dating, Dunder-Mifflin style.


End file.
